My mother was 88 when she died in March of 2023. In terms of complexity, finalizing her "estate" should have been a no-brainer. It wasn't.
She lived with me, so no house to pack up and sell. She had a will that clearly named me as executrix of her estate and sole heir. I had long ago been named as her power of attorney (PoA). I thought all the bases were covered.
Here is what I didn't know:
During life, a PoA allows the named individual to make decisions on behalf of the originator when that person cannot for whatever reason. Unfortunately, the PoA expires automatically upon death.
While my mother was named jointly on my checking account (and had one-click access to my Amazon Prime), she also had two other bank accounts. One she used exclusively for direct deposit of her social security and the other was for the pension she received from her former employer. She did not name a beneficiary on either account. So, when I took the PoA paperwork and her death certificate to the bank, I was informed that I would need to have myself formally named executrix and heir by a probate court in order to close the account(s) and disperse the funds. Wait… WHAT? I knew life insurance policies required beneficiaries. I knew things like investment accounts, 401Ks, and the like, required beneficiaries, but bank accounts?
My mother opted out of the old ways. She wasn't particularly religious, so having a service with a minister was out of the question. She thought "layouts" were weird. On more than one occasion we talked about how strange it was for there to be a dead body in one room and sandwiches in the next. So, I had her cremated.
"Interestingly, I bought the cremation urn from Amazon. Did you know you could do that? I found one for about $75 that looks and 'feels' like my mother. Meanwhile, it cost over $2,000 just for the cremation with no embalming. Whoa."
Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I was just living under a rock. Maybe everyone else knows this except for me. The reality is that I have never had to deal with this before. When my father died, my mother handled the estate…40 something years ago. Things have changed.
Today, each state, and often each county within each state, has different laws and requirements around death, disbursement of assets, probate, and finalization of an individual's estate. In most cases, probate can be avoided if the assets are worth less than $75,000 and there are clear transfer-on-death (TOD) designees. I filed a Request to Dispense form in my county for $83.50 and managed to get the whole thing handled pretty easily, but I would have given almost anything to have been able to avoid the surprise and the research that was required to make this all happen.
Without any of the governmental, procedural nonsense, death of a loved one is already hard. Those left behind must deal not only with the absence of that individual, but also the expectations of those around them. It's messy.
I was the one in the hospital room who instructed the doctor to turn off the machines. I was the one who held her hand and rubbed her head as she slowly stopped breathing. I was the one who lived with her, who fixed her breakfast, who told her the fun things to watch on tv, who bought Mother's Day gifts for her so far in advance that they are now sitting in my closet without anyone to give them to. I cut her hair and made sure she had the color of lipstick she liked best. It's all of that and more. So. Much. More.
And yet, people around me felt empowered to ask why there was no funeral service, why I didn't want anyone to send flowers, why she was being cremated, why I was cleaning out her closet two weeks after her death. The questions compounded the hurt and anxiety that I already felt. Even though I knew the decisions were mine to make and that I made them with my mother's wishes and best interests in mind, it still weighed on me.
Death in America is expensive and confusing, but some of the confusion at least can be avoided. Have the tough conversations around the bonfire what you think is YEARS in advance of a life-ending event. You literally never know what tomorrow will bring. Add a beneficiary to your checking and savings accounts.
What I hope for you (all of you) is that when you experience the death of a loved one that you will be surrounded by friends who will not ask what you need, but who will instead bring you food, call and text you to check in, take you out for drinks so you won't have to stay home alone, and proactively be there so that you don't have to ask for help.
Before you need it, take care of these:
- Confirm beneficiaries on all financial accounts (checking, savings, pensions, etc.)
- Know that Power of Attorney ends at death
- Understand your state's probate limits and procedures
- Pre-select cremation/burial wishes (and maybe shop Amazon early!)
- Write down passwords/logins and make sure someone knows where they are
- Talk about the weird stuff (like lipstick shades and funeral playlists)